By Robert Elias Najemy
Diana often feels ashamed of her husbandís behavior.
Programmed by an aristocratic family, she has learned to give much
importance to etiquette and oneís mental "sharpness and refinement." She has
a university degree. Her husband Andreas does not. She has money. Andreas
did not. She likes to read. Andreas does not. She is proud of her
intellectual abilities. She admires people with a sharp and fast thinking
minds. For her, intelligence and sharp thinking are what make a person worth
respect and admiration.
Andreas is a good-hearted, simple person who enjoys the simple things in
life. He works with his hands all day and that allows his mind to rest. He
likes to have a beer with his friends and play with his children. He enjoys
watching a good movie on TV, spending a weekend in nature, swimming in the
sea, playing racket ball. He cares for his wife and children, and within
the limits of his humble means, is a good provider.
Recently, however, he has felt a great deal of pain as he has come to
realize that Diana does not admire him, and that there are times when she
wishes he were different. He feels mistreated. When he feels his self-worth
is being doubted, he can become an angry "intimidator." He thinks, "She
gives attention only to those who have a university degree or a quick
tongue. She doesn't care if the person is ethical or kind or loves his
children. She does not care if he can create with his hands or cares for her
Andreas has been pulling away from Diana as he feels ever more rejected by
her. Her desire to be in the company of people who stimulate her
intellectually has become ever more evident.
Diana has met a man who she admires, starts having coffee with him and
talking for hours. This is very stimulating for her. Their mutual admiration
gradually leads to physical contact. She is now a divided woman. She loves
her husband, but until now never felt the attraction she feels for this
Andreas has started to sense what is going on and feels increasingly angry.
His feelings of self-worth are being ground to nothing. He is very
vulnerable and needing of love, affection, and most of all, someone to
respect and admire him.
It is in this condition that he meets another woman who respects and admires
him for his simplicity and creative abilities. Now, he, too, is suffering
from a difficult inner conflict. This is not his style. He does not want to
cheat on his wife, but his need for affection and affirmation are too great.
Both are cheating and both are miserable. Neither wants to cheat and neither
wants to separate, but both are being controlled by needs greater than their
wishes. They both seek affirmation of their self-worth. Diana, through a
relationship with a man who appreciates her intellectually and whom she can
admire intellectually, feels as if she is worth more because she is with
someone worthy of admiration. Andreas feels greater self-worth by being
admired by a woman who respects him.
What can they do?
What lessons do they need to learn in order to find their love for each
Does she need to realize that a personís self worth is not measured solely
by his intellectual ability?
Does she need to learn to admire other aspects of human nature, such as
ethics, love, creativity, good heartedness, etc.?
Is her lesson to free herself from the programmings of her aristocratic
Should she leave Andreas for this man she admires more? Will she be happy
with the other man?
Will he treat her as well as Andreas did?
Does she need to learn to express her love to Andreas?
Is her lesson that her self-worth is not related to the people with whom she
keeps company or to what others think of her?
Does she need to realize how her programmings are affecting Andreas?
Does he need to learn that his self-worth is not in anyway measured by what
others think about him?
That the solution to his crisis of self-worth is not another woman?
Or since Diana does not respect him, should he leave her? Is his lesson to
forgive her and help her?
Does he need to respect himself more so as to attract Dianaís respect?
Is she perhaps reflecting his own feelings of inferiority about not having
Does he, too, share her beliefs about who is worthy and who is not,
something Diana is reflecting back to him?
Does he need to accept and love himself as he is?
Perhaps both of them have to learn the following:
1. To love and accept themselves and the other exactly as they are.
2. That their self-worth is divine and cannot change or be dependent upon
3. That they are all equally children of God containing the same spiritual
4. That the inner consciousness of every being they meet, including
themselves, is divine.